I just got my employee review at work. For people who didn't want to blow smoke up my ass, they sure did lube up the bellows nicely.
Then again, I was described as both "Flawless" and "Meets Expectations" simultaneously, which definitely makes me wonder what the fuck is up with their expectations.
I got two pieces of mail from my insurance company today. One is a check for a dollar and the other is a bill for forty-three dollars.
"That guy fucked his life so far up, he may technically be in the Mile-High Club now."
One of the fun things about vegetarianism: sometimes you get to field a question that demonstrates that the asker has no idea what vegetarianism is.
"Wait. You don't eat donuts, do you?"
If you lower your self-worth enough, technically all jokes cracked at the expense of any person or group count as "punching up" and can be made with a clear conscience. #HackYourConscience
When faced with a difficult task, break it up into smaller, manageable pieces. Like, if you focus on eating half a pie, eating the second half is a breeze.
It's not "justifying my deplorable behavior;" it's "hacking my conscience."
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef
and stared down the cows in the neighboring pasture like an absolute savage until the very last bite of that Double Beef ‘N Cheddar was gone.
Seen a lot of people claiming to be computer engineers, but never once seen any of you changing the oil
I really hate to be doing the "bitter single man on Valentine's" cliché.
That said, I woke up this afternoon (yay shift work) to a family group text that started with "Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! 
" and then devolved into a discussion of how ugly I am. Then I walked into a workplace where my department was in total chaos and nobody else could help with it.
So does it not count if my bitterness is just a coincidence or something?
Can you please bring me an extension cord? The outlet is too far from the bathtub.
I'm sure there's more to life than crosswords, I just don't know what it might be.
I love my job
I love my job
I love my job
I love my job
I love my job
I love my job….
Dear companies: cheaping out on tools and equipment necessary for me to do my job never, ever goes well.
“I am not ashamed nor regretful of any of my life choices. They made me who I am today!” he declared proudly to the horrified audience at The Hague.
Keep the weather predicting groundhog. Gimme a capybara that picks lottery numbers.
It's not "abuse;" it's a "love language!"
(Oh, relax. That sentence isn't horrifying if it's with a cat.)
Balking at a winter wonderland.
$TRUMP is the first crypto coin that has a real shot at being currency-like, because it’s the first crypto coin for which there’s a credible threat the coercive power of the state might be used to engender demand.
It's amazing how the universe finds new and interesting ways to fuck me. It's like a goddamn intergalactic Kama Sutra over here.
